Susan Rachele On Body Dysmorphia Disorder

For Susan Rachele, growing up with body dysmorphia disorder (BDD) has resulted in a skewed sense of self-worth and a focus on her own flaws. Today, she tells us about her continuing journey through BDD and how it has shaped the way she views the world and herself.

Most literature about BDD, medical or otherwise, tells us that it forces someone’s mind to “perceive” flaws that are not there. Unfortunately, the word “perceive” does not fully grasp what it is like to have BDD. In all reality, a person with BDD feels the same way about her flaws or ugliness as a mathematician believes that 1 plus 1 equals 2. For me, there is no doubt about my lack of attractiveness.

For instance, I have dealt with obesity practically my entire life. At one point, I stopped stepping on the weighing scale and I guess I maxed out at 255 pounds. This only reinforced my belief that I am flawed and ugly. Even after losing a lot of weight and going down to a size 4, I still look down at my thighs and tell myself, how could a size 4 have thighs these big?

Another consequence of BDD is a lack of motivation to become more social. While I like taking pictures of beautiful places, I avoid being in them because I feel like I’ll only spoil the scenery. I always volunteer to take photos of groups just so I could avoid being in the picture. And because the prospect of being in a photo scares the hell out of me, I tend to avoid group events, even with colleagues.

Having body dysmorphia disorder has been crippling so far. But I know, sooner or later, I’ll get through this. Maybe I could go to a work event and pose for a picture, even if it means I’ll be at the back of the photo. But baby steps are still steps, and I want to start walking where I’m supposed to go.

For more updates about Susan Rachele and her journey to emotional and mental wellness, keep this page bookmarked.